Just Fine

As long as I can remember, I have told myself on a daily basis, “everything is going to be just fine”.  Being a high anxiety kinda gal, it has been beneficial to give myself this little pep talk to make it through! Even if I absolutely do NOT believe myself!

Elementary school, I tried to sign my dad’s name to my own test (it was a D, probably the first ever) and I told myself, “everything is going to be just fine”! Well, lie! Got CAUGHT, ended up in the counselor’s office and in serious trouble!

High school, snuck out of our home ONE TIME!! Told myself, “everything is going to be just fine”.  Another lie!! My pager (it was the 90’s people) was blowing up, and my Dad coming to pick me up with a lifetime grounding sentence in hand.

College, “I’ll just skip this 8 am class” (like I was ever going to make it to that).  After making really awesome grades the first year and a half (insert sarcasm)… I told myself, “everything is going to be just fine”, SERIOUSLY!  I spent 5 years to get a 2 year degree.

But honestly, if I look back on all my self reassuring talks, they were completely true! And going through all these “just fine” moments (and many more) made me realize that giving myself my little pep talk, trying to look on the bright side and dealing with the problem at hand, gave me the confidence that I so lacked at one point in my life.

This confidence is something that I was so going to need as an adult.  We, my little family, have had to deal with some serious events in our lives.  And although there were some instances that were not fine, I have had the will,  from that “just fine”, to push through.

One of those extreme “just fine” moments was when the doctor told my husband and I that our daughter was moderately to severely autistic (and I had convinced myself of a much different diagnosis)…I gave myself time to cry, pray, refocus and then I told myself…

“Everything is going to be just fine, Shelley! Everything is going to be just fine!!”

I repeated this to myself as I sat in my car and cried.  The things you have to process and the life you had built up in your head for your child now becoming a gray area of unknown.  Will she always be nonverbal, will she ever have an independent life, will she ever fall in love, go to prom, get a pedicure with me, will her dad ever walk her down the aisle…the list flooded my head like a tsunami of fear that I had to put a cork in to block these thoughts before I ended up being buried by the unknown.  “Everything is going to be just fine, Shelley!” I knew very soon after this that living in the now was how we would all survive our new normal.  I look to the future when I have to, but mostly, I focus on her now.

Sure, I fall into the flooded emotions some days, but I give myself a self reassuring talk through tears, through anger, through stress, but I still find the way to be “just fine”!  Even if the remote to the TV is lost in the refrigerator, I have restarted the laundry in the washer and dryer at least 4 times and generally feel like I have been busy all day and haven’t even showered yet!

So it may sound cliché, but no matter what life throws at you (most of the time), it really is going to be fine.  As long as you can just believe in your pep talk and ultimately you!  And even if sometimes it turns out not okay, going through your “just fine” moments might give you something you needed.  Now, go to the fridge, turn on your TV and start that spin cycle for 9th time, because everything really is going to be just fine.

Lots of Love,

Shelley