I don’t feel this way all the time. But some days I get in my feelings. I go to my dark place, and I vent to myself. Yes, to myself. We all do it. I let myself go here and then I pull it together. I gather myself, my feelings and keep moving forward. My moments go something like this…
I’m tired of being tired! I’m tired of feeling bad for being tired.
Tired of the weight.
Tired of scheduling everything.
Tired of making decisions.
Tired of not getting enough done.
Tired of not having energy to get things done.
Tired of not being able to focus.
Tired of feeling like I am failing at everything.
Tired of watching my girl struggle and not being able to fix it.
Tired of my girl never having something come easy.
Tired of feeling overwhelmed.
Tired of being on high alert.
Tired of only getting a moment to myself, literally a moment.
Tired of feeling alone.
Tired of money.
Tired of bottling and battling all my emotions.
Tired of being a control freak.
Tired of worry.
Tired of judgement.
Tired of never getting an easy break.
Tired of never getting a break that doesn’t feel rushed.
Tired of being annoyed with myself because I really hate a pity party!
SOOO tired of feeling guilty for feeling all of these things.
And I know that this might make me sound depressed. And maybe I am a little some days. But I am not all the time. Not even most of the time. I find my blessings. I focus on them. I remind myself of all of them, every time I feel all of these feelings. I remind myself of what God has blessed me with and what I could not have. I am fortunate in so many ways. I see my husband, my kids, my family and my friends and I am so thankful! But some days it is hard to ignore the tired. It is hard to ignore the heavy.
I have to find a better way for self care. I have to find a better balance. This is not easy. In fact, it feels like a high wire, and I am afraid of heights.
For whatever reason sharing it with all of you and sending it out into the void helps. So thanks for letting me share and helping me find my light.
Lots of love,